Shotgun

  

Somewhere in the friendly skies between Denver and Sacramento I’m trounced/ambushed by an internal hysteria over not being prepared for retirement. Now “retirement” whatever that is, is still a ways out there… and I’ve got my retirement funds secure and growing with Lehman Brothers… whoops! None-the-less I’m overcome with this out-of-the-blue horror about the future. Specifically my future! And I’m genuinely frightened!

 

Standing in the long line awaiting my intermediate sized rental car I’m praying against whatever is responsible for the burning rod in the core of my body emitting this anxiety/fear while trying to listen to God for whatever he wants to say in all of this… It feels like I’m only shadow boxing with dread and I’m hearing nothin from God… all I’m getting is high decibel static.

 

Shuffling down the line of impatient customers toward me is a Churchill like jowled man who looks 83 wearing a floppy safari hat. With foggy eyes that never quite make contact with anyone this worn image bearer works the line offering maps of the local area… for… what, 8 hours a day? He looks miserable… I’m miserable as a new round of apprehension, accusations and sulfuric voices fill my head. I should have saved more… earlier, been more aggressive, less aggressive… shouldn’t have but that on the credit card… or that, or that… I should have been more frugal like my brother… should have bought gold/silver… should have, should have, should have…My fate is sealed to misery, that’s me at 83…misery, misery!!! (Now there is a bit of truth to all of this. Looking back I now know a lot more than I did as a younger less fathered man. There ARE a lot of things I should have done. This is what gives the Accuser a foothold of “credibility” that can destroy you (versus redeem/rescue you).

 

I get my paper work and hop on the shuttle to the parking lot to pick up my upgraded mid-sized car. The shuttle driver is another dinosaur… I’m thinking about 96 years old!!! AHHH!! Everywhere there are old men with faded gazes exerting what little energy/life they have left to make minimum wage doing menial jobs because they BLEW IT… like me!!! There I am 25 years from now trekking to Wal-Mart to welcome people as they enter.

 

I’m now in my rental beginning the hour and a half drive to my folk’s house. As I’m driving through the streets of Sacramento its as if everyone under 79 has been raptured … there are no children playing in the park, no young lovers walking hand in hand, not a single baby stroller, bicycle, teen-ager or skateboard. Everyone looks withered and stooped… the only ones walking the streets are those with a new layer of wrinkles and lost memories and friends. Gentle old folk with oversized purses or wearing felt hats, there are blublockers, old Buicks… canes and faded old shoes. 

Please note: I admire and honor my elders. I’ve always loved hearing their stories and conversing about life, history and the lessons they’ve learned. For years I went to a local convalescent hospital to simply read, hold a hand, listen… I cried and laughed and loved it. Ultimately what’s happening here has nothing to do with the elderly it’s some funky mix of warfare and God… battling for something deep within my soul. This really isn’t ageism!

Internally I’m in knots… worried, frightened and unable to shake some shaming voice that barks out at me, “You’re a failure… you’ll never have enough savings/retirement/pension funds… NEVER, EVER EVER…slob!”  (The “Slob” felt like piling on!). What on earth does my future hold?

 

And then I notice The Ancient One sitting beside me…  (riding shotgun!).

 

He warmly invites me into a conversation and communion… which kind of surprises me… I thought we were communing, conversing… heck I’ve been battling all this fear, shame, accusation… and he interrupts me,  “NO, you tend not to come to me with your fears…” 

 

Silence. I’m a little stunned. What!?

 

His voice is fatherly and inviting and… strong, as he stays with the issue for about 60 miles on highway 50.

When frightened you run from me not to me… you’re afraid of me. 

 

Your unfathered heart is crushed under the shame and self loathing you bear.

 

You go it alone instead of bringing your fears to me.  

 

Come to me. Bring your fear to me.

 

Rest, come on, let me father you.

This all felt both foreign and simple. Can it be that easy?

 

In this mix of the two of us communing I begin to see a number of things more clearly. I realize at times like this I’ve mistaken the feelings/assault of anxiety/terror/dread/shame/condemnation as the voice of God... that all the self-loathing internal hate speech is God’s evaluation of me; thus I’ve run from him rather than toward him. I’m amazed that this is true of me… and that I’ve gone so long without seeing it! Wow! I see how I mishandle my anxieties… Like a young boy I stick my head under a pillow (hiding, avoidance, paralysis, passivity, “taken out”) or I start organizing…. I rearrange my outside world hoping my inside world will follow. You wouldn’t believe how many books, magazines, seminars I’ve consumed hoping for a change that’s unreachable apart from God. Apart from God.

 

I’m silenced… and he says, Let me father you, I will care and provide… walk with me. And all the passages of scripture about me being more important to him than sparrows and wild flowers and that I need not worry about what I shall eat or wear flood my heart.

 

The anxiety attack, all the fear, contempt and shame lifts.

 

I’m loved. I want to live differently!

 

Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel,

you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. - Isaiah 46:3-4

 

Comments

[jill dyer]

your post came at a most opportune time. although my struggles are different then yours, today i was being worn down by the joy stealer. i was giving in to believing his whispers about me instead of honestly confronting my mistakes and seeing how God wants to restore me. thank you for your candor. daddy in heaven, father us all.

[Vern Hyndman]

I've been living in the uncharted wilderness of God's provision, for reasons I really don't understand. I have to trust, even when I don't feel like it... the wealth of my youth has been destroyed, and I've been reduced to eating from the hand of God... until my framework changed and I could rejoice in the love of the hand that truly does feed me.

I couldn't make the plans I need to make to attend the wedding of a friend, because I don't have the resources for a flight, or a rental car, or a hotel. The love of the Father, and the generousity of friends, and I'm flying out to your neck of the woods... I will spend most of the time I have out there in community, because the isolation that the rental car and hotel might have provided are beyond my reach: I'll simply have to ride and stay with dear friends.
The provision of God in my life is almost always a serious inconvenience, and often requires more dependence and community that I'm comfortable with... and yet is almost always redemptive for me and the folks who I need and who God provides.

I get by with a little help from my friends.

I wouldn't wish you pain or fear, but I do love to see you lose your independence... sounds like the Father does too. The provision of God is SO much more obvious when there are no alternatives.

-vern-

[David Felts]

Craig,
This one line: "I rearrange my outside world hoping my inside world will follow." if I didn't know better, I'd swear you went right inside my heart and pulled that out...only I didn't know it was in there until I read it here in your blog.
It's kind of like seeing Yoda in Attack of the Clones fighting Count Dooku. It was something I'd always wanted to see, but didn't know that I wanted to see it, until I saw it.
Thanks bro...this has given me something to chew on today...you're a great man indeed!

[Kim]

Thank you for the post. I've just had a relationship end and have been fighting off the sense I am going to die old and alone (maybe with multiple cats).
Jokes aside, the fear is rather real. In my anger and disappointment I was ready to head to the bars tonight just to try and escape what I feel inside. I just hurt.
At the very last minute I headed home, knowing if I sleep well, I will be better prepared for the Sabbath. Some part of my heart still recognized I was trying to resolve my struggle with alcohol/night life rather than bringing it to God.
So instead of the bar, I went to your website and your post was as if God was saying, "this is you too".
Thanks for the insight. It refreshed my spirit.

[Darren Penny]

Beautiful! (pause) Simply true and beautiful!

Thanks Craig!

[Mark M]

Mr. M...I guess it's not surprising, but I've been thinking this way, too. Seems , with what I've learned here, to seek to rest under God's protective wing.
MM

[charlie]

I know the feeling well... too well. Having to wait on God for daily provision. I know it's BIGGER than what can be seen with the natural eye. It's REALLY about learning to trust God with our very core.

[Craig McConnell]

Jill,
John Eldredge in his book Walking With God at one point refers to our adversary as an "opportunist". It's a remarkably accurate description of his seizing upon any weakness, sin, doubt, hesitation/faltering or broken-ness to maim, murder, destroy us. Indeed, may our Father father us. - Craig

[Katie Maennle]

I can barely type for the tears that have come from reading this post. There is too much detail to go into here. But suffice it to say that the words the Father spoke to you in the car, he spoke to me through you. And the content and the timing are so mercifully wonderful, so desperately needed. I am blown away.

[Craig McConnell]

A friend of mine, Jenny, sent me an email response with Psalm 121 written out. It was the perfect passage bringing to me all the light, hope, rest and adoration of God I think scripture was intended to. May it strengthen you heart as it has mine.

"I raise my eyes towards the mountains.
Where will my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow my feet to slip;
my Protector will not slumber.
Indeed, the Protector of Israel
does not slumber or sleep.
The Lord protects me;
the Lord is a shelter right by my side.
The sun will not strike me by day,
or the moon by night.
The Lord will protect me from all harm;
He will protect my life.
The Lord will protect my coming and going both now and forever."
- Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Vern,
I look forward to seeing you at the wedding. Ahhh... you're right, you're right, "the blessing of God is that which draws us closer to him". We are blessed men. - Craig

[Davie]

Craig, It seems that fear and scarcity are what drives our culture. These are very effective marketing tools. The worst for me are the commercials that run during golf coverage on tv. It's all images of handsome men retired by the age of 55, sailing on thier yacht. "do you have enough for your retirement?" they ask. And bam! here come the the accusations by those two evil cousins named "fear" and "scarcity".

About a month ago God wakes me up early in the morning and speaks to me. "All those acusations that tie you up in knots and cripple you, they are not real. They have no substance to them, just hollow noises without truth. The real truth is what I say about you. Go read Psalm 139 and read it slowly" .... so I did.

There is no place or any circumstance we will ever find ourselves in where God is not there with us. Fear who? Scarcity who? they just evaporated in the warmth of Gods' truth!
Davie

[Craig McConnell]

David,
Christ's focus on our unseen internal world of desire, fear, motive and joy was the disruption of disruptions for me. Seeing and understanding the tides of my soul explained so many of my troubling behaviors/responses... pinpointing the very areas Christ wanted to cover with his grace, healing, deliverance and counsel.
Time and time again, he alerts me to the “inside” issues of my life:

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” – Matthew 23
- Craig

[Kristin]

Criag, I love the way you write. Your transparency is refreshing. You mentioned the wildflowers and sparrows...He has been fathering me out of that passage in Matt 6:25-33, as it is written in The Message.

25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

He wants us to focus not on the GETTING, but on what He himself is giving, which is so diffent from the world we live in.

Kristin

[Karin]

Thanks, Craig for your words, and for quoting Isaiah 46. It is amazing how God speaks the right words into each of our lives just when needed! I truly needed encouragement tonight, and your story and the Isaiah passage were a huge blessing.

[Craig McConnell]

Katie,
I’m so glad my words/life touched you. Thank you for letting me know. Sincerely - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Davie,
“Fear” and “scarcity”. Such enemies of the heart yeaning to abide in Christ. Add to that mix a heart longing to deepen it’s confidence/trust in the fathering heart of God and I’m set up for a very redemptive battle. Thank you for your good words. – Craig

[Paul Carlson]

Craig,

How this resonates with my life. I use to sit and dwell on all these things feeling paralyzed, stuck, uncapable and alone. Wow, how the accuser just keeps riding us until we can't ride any longer and our legs our lives just give out. Man, What glory to know our heavenly father is there inviting us in and yet we tend to bear the burden as if he he could not handle it.

All my life with an absent earthly father but all my life with the heavenly father. It is so important to commune with the Lord, to surrender all to him. Giving him the glory of my life.

Thank you for bringing that back into perspective. And thank you for the authenticity.

Paul Carlson

[Craig McConnell]

Kristin,
The big “Texas” smile on my face is only trumped by my encouraged heart. Thank you for the passage out of The Message. Perfect! - Craig

[Craig McConnell]

Karin,
Thank you for responding to my blog and… you are welcome! May Christ encourage you anew each day… every day forever and always. - Craig

[Robert]

Thanks Craig! I was going thru something similar today. My wife has been out of work since May and I came to the difficult decision to suspend my retirement account contributions (at least temporarily). Fear and anxiety were weighing heavily on me. But God helped me realize that this was the courageous decision - to just trust Him in this.

[Craig McConnell]

Paul,
Thank you for your response. In all our struggles and difficulties we find both, the sulfurous lies of our Adversary intended to destroy us AND the invitation of God into a deeper intimacy of growing grace and trust. Your words are an encouragement to us all. - Craig

[Reggie]

Hi Craig,
Your words were so good for me to hear, along with Psalm 121...TRUST in the midst of so much unknown is so darn hard!Not to lean on my own understanding??? but to TRUST...?? Thanks, Reggie

[Craig McConnell]

Reggie,
Yep, God invites into the very life we long for… and so very desperately need. A life fully abandoned in Him, tasting deeply his goodness, fully alive in his peace, confident of his provision, knowing/abiding in a communion that cannot be broken by the failings of others, a troubling world, a vile adversary or the toxic mundane. Life! Life! Life as we’ve always wanted, as we were designed for… this life we have and shall have more fully. Trust away my friend, trust away! – Craig